


Heartbreaker

by Mischel



Series: Supernatural s12 Codas [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode Tag, Episode: s12e19 The Future, Feels, M/M, Music, Sad, after dean and sam wake up, cas can feel dean's longing, cas is already gone, coda fanfic, episode coda, god damnit just let them have a happy ending, it's just sad, so basically dean is hurting and cas can feel it, this fanfic is by no means happy though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-25 12:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10764570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischel/pseuds/Mischel
Summary: Two POVs. What happens shorty after Dean wakes up, and what happens after Cas and Kelly leave, and how the music connects it all.Now with chapter two! -  When Sam and Dean get to the bunker, it's night. Neither of them can sleep. Sam tries to find Cas somehow. Dean prays and confesses something he should have a long time ago. Meanwhile, Cas is with Kelly, preparing for the night. He didn't expect to hear Dean's prayer.





	1. Heartbreaker

“Don't-” Dean manages to say before Castiel's fingers touch his forehead and he goes down to the ground, unconscious, sleeping. Castiel looks down at his best friend, at his peaceful face, and then he looks at Sam. They're both just lying there, not knowing where Cas is about to go now.

 

But no one can know that. He's on his own now. It's only him and Kelly and the baby that Cas needs to take care of once his mother dies. The world will be a better place once the baby is born. It must be. He saw it in the vision of the future – he saw people, angels and demons, all happy and not making trouble, no wars. He saw himself together with Sam and Dean in the bunker, living like a family, with Mary visiting them. He felt warm and beautiful and by the time the vision ended he was so full of faith that even considering that what he was doing might not be right, was out of the question.

 

“I'm sorry.” He says as he's looking down at his family. He's doing this for them after all. For the better world.

 

Kelly looks up at him and joins him as he starts walking back towards his truck, leaving Dean's impala there for the Winchesters.

 

He sits behind the wheel and with one last look at the limp bodies of his friends on the playground, he turns the key in the ignition and drives away.

 

xoXÖXox

 

“ _Don't-” Dean manages to say with a pleading look in his eyes, but it's too late. Castiel's fingers touch his forehead and the world disappears in black nothingness, his body hitting the ground. And there is nothing he can do about it._

 

That's the last memory Dean has before he blacks out. And he keeps replaying that in his head over and over again until he eventually wakes up and is greeted by a cold wind in his face and silence. The feeling he has right after he wakes up is familiar, but it also feels like ancient history. He didn't think Cas would ever do this to him again.

 

He doesn't stand up, he doesn't even move. He just lies there, looking up at the sky and wondering if the angels can see him now. If they pity him for falling in love with an angel who just doesn't feel the same. Because if he does, he has a pretty painful way of showing it. He feels the hot tears in his eyes and he blinks, letting them wet his cheeks.

 

But he can't lie there forever. He sits up and rubs his eyes, feeling even worse when he sees that Cas' truck is gone. Of course it's gone. Of course he bailed on them again, and of course he left Dean here alone, only with Sam. Of course he'd do that to him. Everyone he loves always leaves him, so why should this be any different?

 

Dean closes his eyes again and takes a deep breath. He has a broken heart, and this time it hurts so much more than all the other times during his teenage years. He didn't think he could find true love then. He'd never used to believe in these sorts of things. Right until that moment he met Castiel and started believing in love at first sight.

 

With a groan, he stands up and walks over to Sam, slowly getting down on his knees and gently touching his shoulder.

 

“Hey, Sam.” He says, shaking him until Sam eventually blinks and sits up, almost knocking Dean over. “Dude.”

 

“Sorry.” Sam apologizes and looks around, disoriented. Then he sees their car and no truck, and he notices the tears on Dean's cheeks. “He's... he's gone, isn't he?” He asks gently.

 

Dean doesn't like his tone. He doesn't need anyone to be gentle with him, he can deal with it. It's a story of his life after all, when someone he cares about leaves him. So he stands up and rolls his eyes, heading to his Baby.

 

“Of course he is.” He tells Sam. “We should've kicked his feathered ass.” He adds under his breath, not really meaning it, but wanting to mean it.

 

He opens the door and gets inside, squeezing the steering wheel, maybe a bit too tightly. And he knows that when Sam gets inside that he notices, but Dean doesn't really care and Sam doesn't say anything about it or about the tears.

 

Until they're already driving back to the bunker, and he does. “We'll find him.” He tells him. “And we'll figure out what happened to him. He wasn't himself, I know you could tell. It looked like the baby controlled him somehow. He's more powerful than we thought.” He pauses for a and then looks at Dean and Dean hates it. “But Cas will be alright. He always is.”

 

Dean's silent for a while. Then he opens the glove compartment and grabs the first tape he finds, putting it into the tape deck in front of him. “Yeah.” He finally answers, and then he lets the music play.

 

It's Led Zeppelin.

 

Of course it's Led Zeppelin. The same band that Dean chose to give Cas on a mix tape, knowing the angel wouldn't truly understand what it meant to give someone a gift like that. And instead of calming Dean down, he couldn't feel worse.

 

The tears in his eyes burn and he can't see the road in front of him. It gets to the point where he has to stop the car and close his eyes because the music is still playing and it's breaking his heart with every damn note. What did he do wrong? The last time they saw Cas, he told them he loved them. That they were his family. And then he just plays them, steals from them, ignores their messages and concerns and then runs away again? Just like that?

 

“Dean?” He hears Sam's worried voice, and it's too _worried_ , too _soft_. He can't bear it. He shouldn't be losing it like this, he should be strong and just roll with it. He's a Winchester, dammit. But that's the point – he can't just roll with it. He can't. Not anymore.

 

It's too much, and too long, and he misses that damn angel _so much_ that it hurts him and the fact that he betrayed them like that hurts him even more.

 

Dean is silent and he covers his face in his palms, taking deep breaths and just trying to not let this go any further. But then there's a hand on his shoulder and a sob escapes him and he's putting his hands down and turning to Sam with desperation in his eyes, swallowing and pleading, “Just... shut up and drive.”

 

He gets out of the car and waits until Sam does the same. In the next moment, he's sitting next to his little brother, who grabs the steering wheel and starts driving them home. Dean picks something else to listen to – Metallica – and then he closes his eyes and lays his head against the window, not being able to think about anything else than Cas betraying them and putting his fingers to his forehead, over and over again.

 

xoXÖXox

 

“Where are you taking me?” Kelly asks Cas after a while, looking at him.

 

“I don't know.” Cas answers. Kelly has a feeling that Castiel likes that answer way too much. “As far away from the Heaven Gate as possible. Then we'll decide what to do next.”

 

“Alright.” She nods and keeps looking out of the window, at the darkened trees.

 

The unbearable silence almost overwhelms Castiel. Despite his faith in a good future, he needs a distraction from what's happening because even though he's doing it mostly for Sam and Dean, he still left them lying there like rag dolls.

 

He reaches to the inside pocket of his trench coat, the one that is positioned right where his heart is, and he takes out the mix tape that Dean had made him.

 

_It's a gift. You keep those._

 

Castiel recalls their earlier conversation and he puts the mix tape into the tape deck, happy that he has something of Deans to listen to. He knows Dean loves his music, and he can't wait to hear which songs Dean picked for Castiel.

 

As soon as the music starts playing though, Cas feels much worse than before. And after a while, he realizes it's not because of the song. He can feel Dean's longing. Dean is awake now and Cas can feel his longing, he can feel it so clearly. It's powerful and heartbreaking and Cas can't bear it.

 

But he has his mission. And Kelly counts on him. And the baby _must_ be born.

 

So he grits his teeth and plays the music louder, letting the tears escape his eyes and roll down his cheeks. There's nothing better he can do anyway.

 


	2. Listen

It was just after midnight when they finally arrived at the bunker. Sam was more worried about his brother than he remembered ever before. Dean was silent the whole ride home, just staring out of the window at the darkened trees passing by. And every time Sam glanced at him, he could see fresh tears on his face. But Sam didn't say anything and let the music play, hoping that eventually Dean would be okay.

 

“Dean,” Sam said as they parked inside the bunker, but Dean opened the door and without looking at him or saying anything, left the garage and headed for his room. Sam pursed his lips and let his hands drop from the steering wheel, looking after his brother.

 

Castiel had betrayed them before. But over the years, Dean's grown to care about him more and more and each time Cas bailed on them, it hurt more than before. Sam could see that. It was in every Dean's move, in his face when he zoned out, every time he kept looking at his phone, deciding whether he should call Cas or not.

 

Sam sighed and briefly closed his eyes, finally leaving the car and entering his room. He took a quick shower and then lay down in his bed, staring at his phone in his hand. With a heavy heart, he tried to call Cas. He was sure Dean already did that... or maybe he didn't and was just lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and playing every event of the evening again in his head, trying to figure out what did he do wrong.

 

Castiel didn't answer and Sam put the phone away, closing his eyes. He didn't know if he could fall asleep because Cas' betrayal hurt him too. Cas was his good friend, his best friend he could say. But to Dean? He was much, much more and Sam couldn't even imagine how much was Dean suffering right now.

 

He didn't manage to fall asleep. There were too many thoughts in his mind, all racing and not leaving.

 

After another twenty minutes of pointless slow breathing and lying in bed, Sam finally stood up again and decided to go to the kitchen for something to eat. Then maybe he'd manage to fall asleep, and if he didn't, at least he'd do some research. He knew Dean would need a good case after what happened. But not until they tried everything to get Cas back.

 

As he was silently walking past Dean's door, a silent whimper stopped him. Sam paused and held his breath for a moment so he could hear what was happening. Was Dean crying again? Sam had to decide if Dean wanted him there or if he'd rather be alone. Sam was already kind of an expert in deciding which was which.

 

“Cas, please.” Sam heard Dean whisper and he frowned. Was Dean praying? Usually Sam knew when Dean prayed because he always prayed out loud. And he knew Dean hadn't prayed to Cas in a long time, he wasn't even sure if the angel could still hear him. But after Lucifer Jr healed him... he seemed strong, so maybe he could?

 

“Please just pick up the phone. Or don't, just send a damn text okay?” Dean sighed and sniffled. Sam pursed his lips and closed his eyes. “I need to tell you something. So many things.” Dean continued and Sam's eyes snapped open. If Dean was about to say what Sam thought he'd say, he should be alone for that. Sam didn't want to interrupt. But if he moved... there was a chance Dean would notice his presence and stop praying. And Sam couldn't let that happen, he knew his brother needed to finally say it, if not Cas in the face, then at least in a simple prayer.

 

“Every damn time you leave?” Dean took a deep breath. “It's hard not to see you here with us. And when you disappeared like that... I told you we were worried. But... I always keep hiding behind the _we_.” Dean was silent for a few seconds and Sam closed his eyes again. “I know Sam's worried too, but what I should've said was that _I'm_ worried. Cas, I was worried that something happened to you. I'm not blaming you here for leaving, not anymore. We... _I_ just want you to come home. I need you here, you're a part of my family, the closest friend I've ever had. A brother...” Dean paused again. “Damn it, Cas. You're not a brother to me, you're more.” He whispered.

 

Sam bowed his head. He thought he'd be smiling once he heard Dean finally say this. He was wrong.

 

“Cas, I... I love you.” Dean whispered. “Please just say something, let me know you heard me. Don't leave me in the dark, not again.”

 

Sam heard Dean get up, probably to get his phone, and then the phone landed on the bed. “What's gonna make you come home if not a fricking love confession?” He said with a little bit of anger in his voice. Then the talking stopped and all Sam could hear were sobs. He had never seen Dean so heartbroken.

 

He had to help him somehow. Even though Cas was acting weird and not like the Cas they knew at all (because how could he _not_ tell Dean he loved him back?) The only explanation was that he couldn't hear him, which made Sam angry at the universe. Dean finally gathered enough courage to tell Cas he loved him, and the angel couldn't even hear him.

 

With a silent sigh, Sam finally moved and quickly and silently continued to the kitchen, not thinking about the food, but immediately opening his laptop. They needed to find Cas so he and Dean could talk. God knew they needed to.

 

xoXÖXox

 

Dean kept staring at the phone as he was lying in his bed, reading Castiel's name over and over again. “I love you, you idiot.” He prayed again, closing his eyes. But there was no text or a call, no answer at all. Dean wiped the tears away from his cheeks. Now he knew this wasn't the Cas he knew and loved. This was someone different, someone whose mind was being controlled.

 

It was like fucking Naomi, all over again.

 

And the last time, Dean was able to get through to Castiel because he admitted he _needed_ him. They both knew what it meant (well, at least he _did_ ), but they never talked about it again. One half of Dean was disappointed. The other half was relieved.

 

But that was over now. They needed to talk until their throats hurt, and he needed to get his angel back. But he'd already admitted his feelings. He told him he loved him.

 

What more could he do to make Castiel realize that he was not himself?

 

Dean closed his eyes and put his phone aside, not bothering to change clothes as he covered himself with the blanket. He knew he wouldn't get even a minute of sleep that night. But that only meant he had a whole night for thinking. Or praying.

 

Or both.

 

xoXÖXox

 

It was Kelly who told him he had to flip the mixtape over to listen to more songs. But they were already close to the nearest town, so Cas pulled the mixtape out and put it back into his pocket inside of his trenchcoat.

 

“Where are we going now?” Kelly asked. “And please don't say _I don't know.”_

 

Cas smirked a little bit, but it was soon gone and he was frowning again. The mixtape made him think of Dean, and there was nothing that could stop the guilt from spreading throughout his heart. But there was also nothing that would persuade him to leave Kelly alone, he had a mission after all.

 

“We need to find somewhere to sleep.” He sighed as he drove the car through the streets, randomly turning left and ride and looking out of the window to see if he could find anything.

 

“Do you have any money?” Kelly asked, nodding slightly.

 

Cas paused for a few seconds, thinking about it. “Yes.” He answered at last.

 

“Okay,” Kelly said and helped him, looking out of the window as well. But it was dark and after midnight and they couldn't find anything. No hotel or motel, not even a bar. In the end, they found themselves on the other side of the town, driving away from it.

 

“Seems we'll sleep in the car.” Kelly pursed her lips and touched her stomach, closing her eyes.

 

Castiel glanced at her belly. “That would be uncomfortable.” He told her. As if she didn't know that.

 

“No, Castiel. It's okay.” She smiled and looked behind at the backseat. There was no backseat. “I... I can do it.”

 

 

“Alright.” Cas nodded. “I don't need sleep. I'll watch over you.” The last sentence brought back some memories, but he closed his eyes briefly and pushed them away. He needed to focus. “I will lend you my coat.” He added.

 

“Thanks.” She smiled and hesitantly took his hand, squeezing it. They were just sitting there, and she was smiling up at him with a grateful expression and she wasn't letting go of his hand. Her eyes were still looking at him, and after a minute, Castiel felt uncomfortable.

 

Only Dean stared at him this long, that is, minus that hand holding.

 

“I'm happy that you changed your mind.” She added and her eyes wandered down to his lips.

 

In that moment, Castiel understood. He let go of her hand and cocked his head a little. “Kelly, I'm sorry, but...”

 

“No, it's okay.” Kelly chuckled and put her hand back on her stomach. “I'm human, you're an angel-”

 

“No, it's not that.” Castiel hurriedly assured her because if that was a problem, he'd never be able to be with Dean. And he wanted to be with him one day. If Dean wanted that as well. And besides, they couldn't make a nephilim. “There's... someone.” He mumbled and dared a glance at Kelly after a few seconds of silence.

 

“Oh,” Kelly smiled. “Okay, then.” She looked down at her stomach and then looked up at Castiel again. “Once I die and he's born...” she told him, “you'll take care of him, won't you?”

 

“I will.” Castiel nodded. That was his mission after all. He had faith.

 

“Well, you don't have to take care of him alone.” She smiled encouragingly. “So whoever it is for you, you can take care of him together.” She nodded and took his hand again, this time only briefly.

 

Castiel paused for a moment, considering what she just said. He imagined himself with Dean and the little boy in his arms and Sam and Mary with them, his family, and a smile appeared on his face. Once the child was born, Dean would understand that he was not evil, and then he'd be willing to raise him together with Castiel. That would be a good future.

 

“Look at yourself,” Kelly smiled. “All beamy.”

 

Castiel looked down at her, flustered a bit and then he nodded. “Thank you.” He told her.

 

“Just raise him right.” She smiled. Then her smile turned into a yawn and Castiel quickly left the car, giving her his coat as a pillow on the driver's seat.

 

“Sleep well.” He told her and closed the door.

 

The air was chilly outside as it played with his hair. He smiled slightly and rounded the car, seeing a river in front of him. Then he palpated the phone in his pocket and pulled it out, turning it over and over in his hands, deciding what to do.

 

He knew Sam and Dean could track him with it. And they didn't understand this mission he was on, they didn't understand that after such a long time, _finally_ he didn't feel lost. They would find him and try to talk him out of it or even worse. They'd take Kelly and try to rid her baby of his magnificent powers. And that couldn't happen.

 

With a heavy heart he walked closer to the river and looked at the phone one last time.

 

But before he could throw it into the river (and lose all his favorite pictures of Dean with it), he heard something that he hasn't heard in a very long time. He felt... someone reaching out for him, and it felt so familiar that he knew who it was the second it happened.

 

Dean was praying.

 

“ _Cas? You there?_ ” Dean started and Castiel put his phone into his lap and sat down on the grass. “ _Listen, buddy... I hope you can hear me. I'm praying, and I wouldn't do that if I wasn't desperate, so please..._ please _try to understand me, okay?_ ” Castiel swallowed as he heard that and looked back at his truck. Kelly was safely inside and no one was near her or the truck. He turned back to the river and closed his eyes so he could hear Dean better. He wished he could make _Dean_ understand.

 

“ _I miss you. Please come back home, Cas, please._ ” Dean paused for a moment and then he continued. “ _Please just pick up the phone. Or don't, just send a damn text okay?_ ” Cas looked down at the phone, but didn't turn it on. They couldn't find him, not until he knew the baby was safe with them there. “ _I need to tell you something. So many things._ ”

 

Castiel took a deep breath and tried to ignore the guilt he felt again. He shouldn't feel guilty at all, he was just doing whatever he could to right his wrongs. And this time, he knew he was right.

 

“ _Every damn time you leave? It's hard not to see you here with us. And when you disappeared like that... I told you we were worried. But... I always keep hiding behind the_ we.” Castiel frowned at that. “ _I know Sam's worried too, but what I should've said was that_ I'm _worried. Cas, I was worried that something happened to you. I'm not blaming you here for leaving, not anymore. We..._ I _just want you to come home_. _I need you here, you're a part of my family, the closest friend I've ever had. A brother..._ ”

 

Dean paused and Castiel felt tears in his eyes. They've been here before, Dean telling him he was like a brother to him. Was it possible that Dean didn't feel the same way? That all the longing Cas felt throughout the years was just Castiel's wishful thinking? Simply something he made up to not feel so bad about being in love with someone who considered him a _brother?_

 

“ _Damn it, Cas. You're not a brother to me, you're more_.” Dean suddenly whispered and Castiel's eyes snapped open. Full of tears, he tried to wipe them away, but he was crying. Crying because something he wished for for so long was happening and he wouldn't get to see Dean's face. He wouldn't get to kiss him. And he wouldn't get to see him again until he _understood_ , but both Cas and Sam knew Dean was stubborn.

 

“ _Cas, I... I love you._ ” Dean whispered. “ _Please just say something, let me know you heard me. Don't leave me in the dark, not again._ ”

 

With regret in his eyes, Cas looked down at his phone. He closed his eyes again and more tears rolled down his face as he clenched the phone in his hands. There was nothing he wished more than to tell Dean he felt the same. To tell him he's loved him ever since he saw his soul in hell. But there was something more important than Castiel, than Sam and even more than Dean. Something that had to be done, and Castiel couldn't do anything about it. It was just faith. He _knew_ he was right, and he had to take care of Kelly. Sam and Dean couldn't be there with him unless they _understood._

 

So he wiped his tears away again and opened his eyes, looking at the river in front of him. Then he stood up and after taking out the memory card, he threw the phone into the river, watching as it hit a rock and fell apart, the pieces carried away by the current.

 

“ _What's gonna make you come home if not a fricking love confession?”_

 

Cas took a deep breath and with his heart broken, he went back to the truck. Kelly was already sleeping, sofly breathing in and out, the baby safe there with her. Castiel smiled and leaned against the hood of his truck.

 

“ _I love you, you idiot.”_

 

For now, this had to be enough for Castiel. Knowing that Dean loved him and that once Cas came back home after the mission was done, he would finally get to say it back. Because the future the baby showed him, was a good one. There was piece in the world, and they were happy. And once Cas saw that, he knew he couldn't just let it go.

 

So he looked at the river, the phone already gone and broken, and he bowed his head. Once this mission was over, Dean would know why he did it. But for now, Cas needed to carry on so he could finally come home with a win for Dean.

 

He loved him too, after all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a supernatural coda in such a long time that I don't even know if this is good or bad, but the last episode made me feel things and I needed to write this, even if it didn't really make things better.
> 
> (Sorry of any grammar mistakes, I'm not native speaker.)
> 
> Thanks for reading. :)


End file.
